I was watching the Dr. Phil show with the octuplet mom, in which he told her babies should not be born with a "job", (i.e. you shouldn't have kids to fulfill a gap or need in your own life), & it got me thinking.
I know that after our losses, I was more determined than ever to be a mom (either through adoption or biology) & that the feelings I had were shared by alot of women in similar situations. Does this mean we (I won't presume to speak for anyone else, so assume "we" means N & me) had an agenda in getting pregnant again? In my heart of hearts, I don't think so. It really bothers me to hear people say we're having twins to make up for the two we lost-- in my mind, all our kids are irreplaceable.
But can we say with certainty that we would have persued parenthood this devoutly if we had never lost our first two? Did I want to be pregnant again to fill the gaping hole those losses left in my heart? In all honesty, I can't say that the losses played no part in our decision making process. At the same time though, I have no expectations for these boys other than wishing them to be healthy kids.
& all this got me thinking further-- why do we want kids in the first place? Think about it-- it's harder to quantify than you might think.
I've always wanted kids, always seen myself as a mom one day, but why? Would I be less of a person, less of a woman, if we never had kids? I don't think so, but I also know how incomplete I would feel if N & I didn't have our own family. Kids have always been in our plans.
But when I try to coherently fill in the blank: "I want to have children because ________", I get stuck trying to put into words WHY.
I want to have children because:
- building a family with N is an expression of our love & commitment to each other.
- I believe God intended us to raise children.
- I feel somehow called to be a mom. (see what I mean about being hard to quantify?)
The reasons go on, but they get harder & harder to put into words although they are very real reasons to me & N. Can you confidently fill in the blank? I know in my heart & soul that building a family is part of our future & the right choice for us, but the WHY behind that feeling is much harder to describe.
I think what Dr Phil was saying, this maybe me talking out of my ass.
ReplyDeleteWe need to feel whole as a person. We should not have children in the hopes that children will fill that void that we have in ourselves, i.e. I want a baby so someone will love me.
In that case, the person needs to look into themselves first before they bring a child into the world. Having a child is more than about me, it is about them.
I don't think it is fair to say, I had a loss, I want to replace that child. Is it fair to those women who were trying to have another child, and lose it to say you can't have another because your replacing the one you lost? The original desire to have a child was not fullfilled. Your not trying to replace the child you lost, your trying to achive the original goal of having a child.
Your question, I want to have children because ________" I can't answer that question. I don't know WHY I wanted children. I don't know if it was I was raised to think it was my job. Or if it was more religious, that it was giving souls a body. I dunno. I never thought of it. It was just what you do.
Okay- I am getting too distracted by a three year old and I am losing my train of thought, and have been rambling.
I really need to proof read before I submit.
ReplyDelete"Is it fair to those women who were trying to have another child"
That should read, Is it fair to those women who were trying to have A child
i agree kim, that sounds like a fair guess at what dr phil was getting at... & i don't proof read much either.. typos are just part of life!
ReplyDeleteit really surprised me how hard it was to anwer the "why do you want kids?" question... i know i want them. beyond that.... i don't knwo why its so hard to quantify. i was thinking in part of several friends we have who are beginning the adoption process & who have to answer that question coherently in some way, & it's just tough.